I'm just going to start from the beginning. This is for me to vent, and for everyone to know whats really going on. Jon does not speak to anyone about this. He says it's for privacy, but as time goes on I realize it's because he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. He knows that if he asked men or even women their opinion, they would say he's in the wrong, but he's not one to accept responsibility for his actions and words.
In october 2011, two months after Paisley was born. Jon went on ship to San Francisco for "Fleet Week." I was feeling cooped up and decided I would drive with P to WA to visit his side of the family while he was gone. Honestly I was worried about him being faithful while there (it's always a big party when the marines go anywhere) and I didn't want to be home alone with my thoughts.
We spoke some while he was there, normal things like how excited I was to move to WA in the future and asking if he was seeing the sights in San Fran since he'd never been. He said he was..
We had been having issues communicating and getting along. I was deep in my depression and felt lost about how our life would work out. I felt so stressed about having a baby and I felt like the responsibility was all on me and all Jon cared about was when I'd "get my body back." The few times I got him to watch her for me was so I could go to the gym.
I began to know something was going on when Jon put a password on his cellphone, always had it on silent, and it never left his side. Like he was guarding it. I didn't want to ask to see his phone, I didn't want him to feel like I was policing him. So I tried to be patient. We began seeing a Marriage counselor in early nov, but once Jon realized our issues wouldn't be quickly fixed he lost interest and it didn't really go anywhere.
We went to WA just before New Years. While there, my anxiety about him keeping secrets mounted and I was able to figure out the code to his phone after watching him unlock it many many times. One day while Jon was taking me hunting I finally got my chance to see his phone. We stopped before going duck hunting so Jon could take his dog Jake into a pond to "jump shoot" it. I quickly entered the password and scrolled through his messages. I came across a few from a "Laci"..my heart hit the floor and my stomach was in my throat. I could hardly breath and hardly swallow. I can't remember exactly what they were, but something along the lines of "Val's getting her hair done, I'll have her call you when she's done." and there were some from another number..one said, "Have fun hunting with Gwen" and another said, "Fuck you and Gwen". I couldn't make sense of exactly what was going on, but I knew it wasn't good. I didn't want to bring it up right then so I had to endure 4 hours of solitude with a guy I wanted to beat the shit out of.
That night Jon fell asleep on the couch because he was really tired. I took a picture of him because he looked really cute, then I realized his phone was beside him. I tiptoed over and picked it up. Entered the password and up came more texts. I can't remember them, but they were worse. And there was a picture of a girl..wearing his shirt..My first thought was, "Girls wear guys shirts when they've had sex." I knew it was not just a friend. That's the kind of picture that you send intimately.
I woke jon up, stuck the image in his face, and asked for fucking answers. All he could do was look at me and shrug his shoulders. Like a child who was caught doing something they shouldn't have. I got hardly any answers out of him that night. The only thing I remember is the way he was protecting his phone, like he was protecting her. Like he was choosing her over me.
The worst part was having to visit people or even MEET people in WA and pretend like things were fine when really I would cry any chance I got and felt constantly on the brink of vomiting.
I felt like I should stay with it, give him a chance to redeem himself. After all, he was the one who said divorce wasn't an option. I wanted to fix our marriage. Our first night home from WA Jon went out. He didn't sleep at home the first two or three nights we were home. Knowing what I know now, he was probably with her.
No comments:
Post a Comment