Part Two

Not sure how much I will be able to write, let alone remember. This has been going on for what feels like years so a lot of it blends together.

After we can home from WA in january, I debated with leaving Jon. I began packing boxes of Paisley's stuff. Putting it in the hall so he would see them as he walked past. Hoping he'd get the picture, I don't think he realized what I was doing. I didn't want to get a divorce, I wanted to work on it. I knew people had been through worse and came through it ok. But he wasn't remorseful, thought it was justified, and I was sure he hadn't ended things. I asked him to call her in front of me and tell her he couldn't see her anymore and why, but he refused. I was extremely paranoid, even followed him a few times. What really hurt was when he'd go out to a sports bar with his friends for happy hour..how would I know if she wasn't there? Or if he'd leave right after I dropped him off and go hook up with her? Everything he said was a lie to me, everything he did was just for show.

Jon and I fought back and forth all the time, he would say that I wasn't putting in enough "effort", and complain that I didn't go to the gym enough. He would call me lazy, and a few times he said I was "disgusting." I'll never forget that. Even if we come out of this intact, the fact that my husband was disgusted by me and this was what contributed to him having an affair..I'll never forget the stabbing pain those words gave me.

We continued going to counseling, but it didn't go anywhere because Jon still held back. Right after we told our Dr about Jon's affair he didn't show for a couple appointments. I began seeing a Psychologist by myself and a Psychiatrist. I began taking Zoloft, but Jon was upset when it wasn't a magical pill that made me happy all the time. (I wonder why?) I can't tell you how many times I would catch him in a lie and find out he was still seeing her. I found texts on his phone under the name "Josh", so that if I did get on his phone I wouldn't think it was her.

In february Jon went overnight to LA to do security for the Academy Awards as a fund raiser for the MC Ball. I of course was worried about him being out there with just single marines, but I tried to trust. The next few days I realized I knew the information to his Navy Fed bank account. I went on it and found purchases at bars, a fancy restaurant in La Jolla, and a few places in San Clemente..all which I hadn't gone to. I found hundreds of dollars spent on truck parts. Jon told me we never went out because  we needed to save money, but he could drop $200 here and $400 there on truck parts. What bothered me the most was the $140 spent in LA. I looked up the address and found out it was a strip club.

Jon had a lot of excuses for all the money spent. Told me the $140 was a friends tab, but admitted he gave $40 for a lap dance from a little blonde with short hair. why? what would he get from that? how would that help our situation? He accused me of not putting in 100% while he was going to STRIP CLUBS?! His excuse was that he hadn't planned on going, but all his buddies wanted to go. Still NO excuse for paying some girl $40 for a lap dance. I told Jon I wanted joint accounts so I could keep an eye on his spending, but he said I didn't "earn" that because I myself had a spending problem. My spending issue spawned from my depression and I spent money on things for Paisley or our home. not strippers and going to restaurants with other men.

I soon was told by Jon that I'd have to move out. Even though I didn't want to, I had no choice. He wanted to move to "save money", but I saw it as he wanted to get rid of me so he could spend his evenings and nights with her, without the responsibility of coming home to his family. I reluctantly packed up my life yet again for the man I loved, but who also hurt me more than I had ever been hurt. Put my belongings in storage and moved back to my moms for a second time since we had been married. Our last week on base was rough, I was completely done. I still loved Jon but I could no longer put up with his lies and excuses. I made sure he knew just how things would me. How he would never see Paisley, how once he moved to Wyoming she would no longer know who he was. How he would miss holidays, her first day of school, plays, sleepovers, parties. How she wouldn't hunt because thats not part of my CA life. How his family would never see her.

I actually had been in contact with this other woman a few times through the months. At first I hated her, I would threaten her. Tell her to stay away. But over time I realized she could be helpful. She had nothing to lose, and sadly I trusted her word over Jon's. She told me he had stayed with her often after I moved home. That he told her he was single when they first met and continued that lie for a long time. She told me they would sleep in her bed together. She told me they didn't have intercourse. But what else they did, I don't know. She said he met her for lunch a few times..which is more that I could say. The only time I saw Jon at lunchtime was when I was hand delivering him food.
She told me he was playing both of us. He would tell her he wanted to leave me and be with her, then change his mind back. We both agreed he has a lying problem and was extremely impatient when it came to waiting to see how things would change. If he doesn't see things changing for the better within days, he wants out. I would ask Jon about the things she would tell me, but he'd say she was lying, just to get in my head because she was jealous that I was married to him.

At this point I'm pretty numb. New information doesn't effect me too much. I feel like I've heard it all. I'm holding on by a thread. Jon tells me he doesn't want to be with me if this is going to be my attitude, but he just doesn't understand that I'm the way I am because of him. He still sees what he's done as justified. Still blames me. Still tells me I'm not putting in the effort. I asked him to see a male counselor that specializes in affairs, divorce, depression, etc but he told me he doesn't want to. Jon doesn't know what it means to be a man, to choose his family FIRST, to love his wife unconditionally. He needs to let things go as much as I do. But he just can't take the fact that this was all caused by his actions. He wants an easy out. He wants a quick fix. I tell him it will take years to fully come through this, he says he wants to be with me. But actions speak louder than words.