Not even sure where to begin!

Not sure where to start. I definitely abandoned my blog. But I don't think anyone really noticed. But I'll pick up, dust off, and try to get the gears greased again. 

Well since over a year ago I've;

• Graduated from PLATT College with an associates in Medical Administration
• Divorce was finalized May 2013
• Paisley is 2!
• I sadly sold my Journey whom I loved with my whole heart and purchased a 2007 Prius. 
• I started "real college" at Riverside City College (which I love)
• I lost 20 pounds
• I ran my first ever running event The Camp Pendleton Mud Run, a 10k!
• and a bunch of other less important things but those are the biggies I thought of.

I feel good, I feel progressive. But things are still off. 

Jon is living in Las Vegas with his girlfriend (they are another rant/post altogether) which is good and bad. He lived in WA for 4 months and had minimal contact with us during that time.. But now that he's in Vegas he's tried to be all bubbly and friendly. Paisley went a weekend in November to visit. She's currently there this whole week, the longest we've ever been apart. Jon's parents are in town so I'm more comfortable with P being there. I'm happy Jon is around again (for P), I'm happy I get time to be a single young woman every couple of weeks. But I just CANNOT trust him. Everything he tells me I take with a grain of salt because I have learned to not believe a word he tells me and it will likely be close to a decade before that changes.

What's worse is the more time goes by and he's still with his tall, skinny, blonde, educated girlfriend; that means more time that I'm squishy, lumpy, greasy, used, washed up, stretched out, and single. I've tried everything from a prospective lawyer, east coast boy, ranch hand, firefighter, college graduate, childhood friend. and nothing. no leads. not even a short and sweet relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't even necessarily want a relationship. I just want someone to talk to, who wants to hear about me and my day and I want to hear about theirs. I want someone I'm attracted to and who is attracted to me. Someone who accepts ALL aspects of my life and past and doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. (I'm sick of trying to keep paisley in the shadows so not to scare off a guy) I do not want to feel attached or locked down to anything, but I want to feel safe and wanted. 

I've changed so much in the past year, I've become much more confident and positive. But there's just something about me that is undesirable. I'm not looking for advice. I don't want to hear "don't look for a man, let him find you" or "find a godly man who reads his bible and prays." I know I know I KNOW. I'm not blind, deaf, and dumb. I'm just pissed that this is even on my mind and that the men in this area are so absolutely pathetic that I can't even scrounge up one man to keep me company when I have free time. I don't think that's too much to ask.