Not even sure where to begin!

Not sure where to start. I definitely abandoned my blog. But I don't think anyone really noticed. But I'll pick up, dust off, and try to get the gears greased again. 

Well since over a year ago I've;

• Graduated from PLATT College with an associates in Medical Administration
• Divorce was finalized May 2013
• Paisley is 2!
• I sadly sold my Journey whom I loved with my whole heart and purchased a 2007 Prius. 
• I started "real college" at Riverside City College (which I love)
• I lost 20 pounds
• I ran my first ever running event The Camp Pendleton Mud Run, a 10k!
• and a bunch of other less important things but those are the biggies I thought of.

I feel good, I feel progressive. But things are still off. 

Jon is living in Las Vegas with his girlfriend (they are another rant/post altogether) which is good and bad. He lived in WA for 4 months and had minimal contact with us during that time.. But now that he's in Vegas he's tried to be all bubbly and friendly. Paisley went a weekend in November to visit. She's currently there this whole week, the longest we've ever been apart. Jon's parents are in town so I'm more comfortable with P being there. I'm happy Jon is around again (for P), I'm happy I get time to be a single young woman every couple of weeks. But I just CANNOT trust him. Everything he tells me I take with a grain of salt because I have learned to not believe a word he tells me and it will likely be close to a decade before that changes.

What's worse is the more time goes by and he's still with his tall, skinny, blonde, educated girlfriend; that means more time that I'm squishy, lumpy, greasy, used, washed up, stretched out, and single. I've tried everything from a prospective lawyer, east coast boy, ranch hand, firefighter, college graduate, childhood friend. and nothing. no leads. not even a short and sweet relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't even necessarily want a relationship. I just want someone to talk to, who wants to hear about me and my day and I want to hear about theirs. I want someone I'm attracted to and who is attracted to me. Someone who accepts ALL aspects of my life and past and doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. (I'm sick of trying to keep paisley in the shadows so not to scare off a guy) I do not want to feel attached or locked down to anything, but I want to feel safe and wanted. 

I've changed so much in the past year, I've become much more confident and positive. But there's just something about me that is undesirable. I'm not looking for advice. I don't want to hear "don't look for a man, let him find you" or "find a godly man who reads his bible and prays." I know I know I KNOW. I'm not blind, deaf, and dumb. I'm just pissed that this is even on my mind and that the men in this area are so absolutely pathetic that I can't even scrounge up one man to keep me company when I have free time. I don't think that's too much to ask. 

This is it

    So Monday I had a dental appointment on base, it was at 10am and I would be done around 11:30. I called Jon and asked if he wanted to meet to get lunch or talk because we never see each other. Surprisingly he did not ignore my call and actually agreed. He has lunch from 11-1 and usually goes to the gym, but I thought he would see the importance of seeing me.

    After my appointment, I called him..texted him..and was ignored. About an hour later he calls me and says he "forgot" and went to the gym. I'm a real priority I guess.

    Two days later, I'm in Oceanside again for an appointment with my Psychiatrist and Therapist at 2pm. I told him the night before I was going to come down early so we could go out to lunch together and I'd have Paisley this time so he could see her. Since he'd only seen her for 45min in the past two weeks. Apparently he "forgot" then too and went to the gym. I saw him for about 8 minutes.

    I went to my appointments, tried to talk my way into stronger meds with no luck. Although I did get a prescription for Ambien..success there I guess. I didn't have much to talk with my therapist about other than my confusion about what Jon really wants and me not knowing weather to hold on or give up. I went back to base after because I wanted to get a final answer from Jon. I asked him what he wants, does he want me, someone else, or to be single and have no responsibility. All he had to say was, "Why do you care?" Why do I care? oh idk..because we have a child who's future depends on this, he's moving to WY in three months and idk if I'm going with him or not. If I'm not then I need to figure out how I can make money and/or go to school all while taking care of an <1 year old as a single woman.

    I told Jon, "If you refuse to seek counseling, I have no choice but to go to base legal and get divorce papers." THIS is when he decides to tell me He already went on Tuesday and he is currently at the courthouse submitting marriage dissolution papers. He tells me this through a text. Not Monday when I was there, before he went. Not earlier that day when I saw him and I was about to see my therapist (which would have worked out nicely because I could have talked to her about it). He tells me he's doing it for me, because he can't give me what I need. I just love how he always turns it around to get the blame off him. He just can't admit that he can't handle the hard work and responsibility of having a family. That he's not mature enough to put other people before himself. No, he says it's for me.

I really want nothing more than to take a metal baseball bat to his head. I seriously keep day dreaming of beating the shit out of him. I could really use some Ambien right now.

Part Two

Not sure how much I will be able to write, let alone remember. This has been going on for what feels like years so a lot of it blends together.

After we can home from WA in january, I debated with leaving Jon. I began packing boxes of Paisley's stuff. Putting it in the hall so he would see them as he walked past. Hoping he'd get the picture, I don't think he realized what I was doing. I didn't want to get a divorce, I wanted to work on it. I knew people had been through worse and came through it ok. But he wasn't remorseful, thought it was justified, and I was sure he hadn't ended things. I asked him to call her in front of me and tell her he couldn't see her anymore and why, but he refused. I was extremely paranoid, even followed him a few times. What really hurt was when he'd go out to a sports bar with his friends for happy hour..how would I know if she wasn't there? Or if he'd leave right after I dropped him off and go hook up with her? Everything he said was a lie to me, everything he did was just for show.

Jon and I fought back and forth all the time, he would say that I wasn't putting in enough "effort", and complain that I didn't go to the gym enough. He would call me lazy, and a few times he said I was "disgusting." I'll never forget that. Even if we come out of this intact, the fact that my husband was disgusted by me and this was what contributed to him having an affair..I'll never forget the stabbing pain those words gave me.

We continued going to counseling, but it didn't go anywhere because Jon still held back. Right after we told our Dr about Jon's affair he didn't show for a couple appointments. I began seeing a Psychologist by myself and a Psychiatrist. I began taking Zoloft, but Jon was upset when it wasn't a magical pill that made me happy all the time. (I wonder why?) I can't tell you how many times I would catch him in a lie and find out he was still seeing her. I found texts on his phone under the name "Josh", so that if I did get on his phone I wouldn't think it was her.

In february Jon went overnight to LA to do security for the Academy Awards as a fund raiser for the MC Ball. I of course was worried about him being out there with just single marines, but I tried to trust. The next few days I realized I knew the information to his Navy Fed bank account. I went on it and found purchases at bars, a fancy restaurant in La Jolla, and a few places in San Clemente..all which I hadn't gone to. I found hundreds of dollars spent on truck parts. Jon told me we never went out because  we needed to save money, but he could drop $200 here and $400 there on truck parts. What bothered me the most was the $140 spent in LA. I looked up the address and found out it was a strip club.

Jon had a lot of excuses for all the money spent. Told me the $140 was a friends tab, but admitted he gave $40 for a lap dance from a little blonde with short hair. why? what would he get from that? how would that help our situation? He accused me of not putting in 100% while he was going to STRIP CLUBS?! His excuse was that he hadn't planned on going, but all his buddies wanted to go. Still NO excuse for paying some girl $40 for a lap dance. I told Jon I wanted joint accounts so I could keep an eye on his spending, but he said I didn't "earn" that because I myself had a spending problem. My spending issue spawned from my depression and I spent money on things for Paisley or our home. not strippers and going to restaurants with other men.

I soon was told by Jon that I'd have to move out. Even though I didn't want to, I had no choice. He wanted to move to "save money", but I saw it as he wanted to get rid of me so he could spend his evenings and nights with her, without the responsibility of coming home to his family. I reluctantly packed up my life yet again for the man I loved, but who also hurt me more than I had ever been hurt. Put my belongings in storage and moved back to my moms for a second time since we had been married. Our last week on base was rough, I was completely done. I still loved Jon but I could no longer put up with his lies and excuses. I made sure he knew just how things would me. How he would never see Paisley, how once he moved to Wyoming she would no longer know who he was. How he would miss holidays, her first day of school, plays, sleepovers, parties. How she wouldn't hunt because thats not part of my CA life. How his family would never see her.

I actually had been in contact with this other woman a few times through the months. At first I hated her, I would threaten her. Tell her to stay away. But over time I realized she could be helpful. She had nothing to lose, and sadly I trusted her word over Jon's. She told me he had stayed with her often after I moved home. That he told her he was single when they first met and continued that lie for a long time. She told me they would sleep in her bed together. She told me they didn't have intercourse. But what else they did, I don't know. She said he met her for lunch a few times..which is more that I could say. The only time I saw Jon at lunchtime was when I was hand delivering him food.
She told me he was playing both of us. He would tell her he wanted to leave me and be with her, then change his mind back. We both agreed he has a lying problem and was extremely impatient when it came to waiting to see how things would change. If he doesn't see things changing for the better within days, he wants out. I would ask Jon about the things she would tell me, but he'd say she was lying, just to get in my head because she was jealous that I was married to him.

At this point I'm pretty numb. New information doesn't effect me too much. I feel like I've heard it all. I'm holding on by a thread. Jon tells me he doesn't want to be with me if this is going to be my attitude, but he just doesn't understand that I'm the way I am because of him. He still sees what he's done as justified. Still blames me. Still tells me I'm not putting in the effort. I asked him to see a male counselor that specializes in affairs, divorce, depression, etc but he told me he doesn't want to. Jon doesn't know what it means to be a man, to choose his family FIRST, to love his wife unconditionally. He needs to let things go as much as I do. But he just can't take the fact that this was all caused by his actions. He wants an easy out. He wants a quick fix. I tell him it will take years to fully come through this, he says he wants to be with me. But actions speak louder than words.

My side of the story

    I'm just going to start from the beginning. This is for me to vent, and for everyone to know whats really going on. Jon does not speak to anyone about this. He says it's for privacy, but as time goes on I realize it's because he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. He knows that if he asked men or even women their opinion, they would say he's in the wrong, but he's not one to accept responsibility for his actions and words.

    In october 2011, two months after Paisley was born. Jon went on ship to San Francisco for "Fleet Week." I was feeling cooped up and decided I would drive with P to WA to visit his side of the family while he was gone. Honestly I was worried about him being faithful while there (it's always a big party when the marines go anywhere) and I didn't want to be home alone with my thoughts.
    We spoke some while he was there, normal things like how excited I was to move to WA in the future and asking if he was seeing the sights in San Fran since he'd never been. He said he was..
 
We had been having issues communicating and getting along. I was deep in my depression and felt lost about how our life would work out. I felt so stressed about having a baby and I felt like the responsibility was all on me and all Jon cared about was when I'd "get my body back." The few times I got him to watch her for me was so I could go to the gym.
    I began to know something was going on when Jon put a password on his cellphone, always had it on silent, and it never left his side. Like he was guarding it. I didn't want to ask to see his phone, I didn't want him to feel like I was policing him. So I tried to be patient. We began seeing a Marriage counselor in early nov, but once Jon realized our issues wouldn't be quickly fixed he lost interest and it didn't really go anywhere.

    We went to WA just before New Years. While there, my anxiety about him keeping secrets mounted and I was able to figure out the code to his phone after watching him unlock it many many times. One day while Jon was taking me hunting I finally got my chance to see his phone. We stopped before going duck hunting so Jon could take his dog Jake into a pond to "jump shoot" it. I quickly entered the password and scrolled through his messages. I came across a few from a "Laci"..my heart hit the floor and my stomach was in my throat. I could hardly breath and hardly swallow. I can't remember exactly what they were, but something along the lines of "Val's getting her hair done, I'll have her call you when she's done." and there were some from another number..one said, "Have fun hunting with Gwen" and another said, "Fuck you and Gwen". I couldn't make sense of exactly what was going on, but I knew it wasn't good. I didn't want to bring it up right then so I had to endure 4 hours of solitude with a guy I wanted to beat the shit out of.

That night Jon fell asleep on the couch because he was really tired. I took a picture of him because he looked really cute, then I realized his phone was beside him. I tiptoed over and picked it up. Entered the password and up came more texts. I can't remember them, but they were worse. And there was a picture of a girl..wearing his shirt..My first thought was, "Girls wear guys shirts when they've had sex." I knew it was not just a friend. That's the kind of picture that you send intimately.
    I woke jon up, stuck the image in his face, and asked for fucking answers. All he could do was look at me and shrug his shoulders. Like a child who was caught doing something they shouldn't have. I got hardly any answers out of him that night. The only thing I remember is the way he was protecting his phone, like he was protecting her. Like he was choosing her over me.
    The worst part was having to visit people or even MEET people in WA and pretend like things were fine when really I would cry any chance I got and felt constantly on the brink of vomiting.
    I felt like I should stay with it, give him a chance to redeem himself. After all, he was the one who said divorce wasn't an option. I wanted to fix our marriage. Our first night home from WA Jon went out. He didn't sleep at home the first two or three nights we were home. Knowing what I know now, he was probably with her.

I am empty

I feel a pain in my heart, a hole. I've gone so long caring for my own needs. Doing things for my own happiness because there was no one there to make me happy. I feel alone, unwanted, worthless, replaceable, unattractive. I see couples, loving, caring, looking after one another an I wonder who's looking out for me? I've gone to hell and back and am still working to get myself back on my feet. But rather than have someone to hug me an tell me they are proud to be my partner, but instead I get judgmental eyes and words telling me I'm still not good enough. My heart has been broken, my trust destroyed. I forgave and had open arms, just to have my heart crushed again..and again..and again. I threatened the worst things I could think of. Take away my love, my faithfulness, your family. Nothing changed. I feel deflated and void of emotion. I don't want to give up, but I literally have no ther choice. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Let's try this again.

It's been nearly a YEAR since my last post! A whole stinkin year! (nearly) Time has flown by. Jon returned from his deployment June 8th and Little Miss Paisley was born August 12th. I've battled postpartum depression and our marriage going to the edge and slowly stepping back. We have so much to learn and grow but hopefully we can find a way to come together as a team and make some amazing progress. 

Jon and missy at "Bring your child to work" day! sitting on the turret of a Trac

When Paisley was an itty bitty newborn it was so hard for me to cope with the stress and lack of sleep. It was really hard for me to enjoy the fact that I am blessed to get to stay at home with my little girl. But as she's gotten older and I have learned to adjust I am appreciating it more and more each day. I just love my special moments with this little one!

Hopefully I can continue to be present on my blog! Wish me luck:)

Ellen's Mother's Day Special

Sometime last month I saw a post on the 2 Battalion, 5th Marines Facebook page about the Ellen Show wanting pregnant Marine wives for her Mother's Day Show. I INSTANTLY jumped on it because I love Ellen and because I'm not dumb, I know she's gunna give away stuff! So I called and e-mailed. They got back to me and after a few calls and e-mails it seemed like I was good to go and when a rep from the Ellen show called me I knew I was in! 

The only picture I took of the day haha

      My friend Makenzi also got a ticket to go so we decided to carpool and also brought along another expectant mom who asked to carpool with us. We had to be there at 1pm for check-in. But we were so anxious we rushed and got there at 11..better safe than sorry. After we checked in we went to Porto's Bakery, which according to our new carpool buddy is "The most famous mexican bakery in all of LA." haha We got back to the waiting area at 12:30, got in line to get our ticket at 1..and then got to sit til around 2:30 when they began taking us across the street to the actual WB Lot. They took us in a back door and finally into the air conditioned Ellen Studios. We lined up and they lead us into the Ellen set and gave us our seat. We got sat right in the middle probably the 5th row down and the 7th row up. They gave us the DL on cheering and what not to do. And not to long after the show started!

first round of giveaways!

     The set is so small compared to how it looks on TV. They do a very good job with the angle of the camera to get more bang for their buck. Ellen came out and almost right off the bat gave us a crib, bedding, a 6mo supply of baby food, $300 to Old Navy, a super fancy high chair that doubles as a swing and a Whirlpool Washer & Dryer!!! SO CRAZY!! I can't remember the exact order of the show. But Kate Hudson was her celebrity guest because she is also pregnant. Makenzi and I both noted that her legs were crazy skinny! Oh and before this Ellen came and danced in the audience as she always does. I was about 4 people to the left of where she stopped on the first flight of steps. I tried to look for myself but it's pretty hard to see though all the people dancing.

    Then Ellen gave us a box set of like 13 "Rockaby Baby" CD's. Which is music like Aerosmith, Coldplay, U2, Rolling Stones, and Journey..only in Lullaby form haha again, idk the order but I think after that she gave us $250 to Blume which is baby clothes, a silver necklace with our baby's first initial, some cute baby shoes, a set of 411 parenting books, a "Go Gaga" diaper bag, a Kokopax baby carrier, a "Little Giraffe" blankie, and a super nice Pack n Play. 
    We had thought that the whole audience was military wives, but it turns out there was just a bunch of us there. The guys had secretly filmed a video message for us, but only 2 of them got played:( I was sad Jon didn't get to be on TV. They could have at least played them during the credits or during the commercials for just the audience to see. I did get it on a dvd and I watched it while I was skyping with Jon. He was so stinkin cute!
     At the very end of the show Ellen gave us a Britax car seat and a stroller:) Sooo awesome and necessary! haha and I can get the Cow print car seat I wanted (but could not afford!) I wish it would have been a jogging stroller, but hey it's free. I can't complain.

they made it look like we had a wide selection..but really we got what we got..whatever haha

     After the show we picked up the small stuff and headed back to the truck (thankfully we brought a truck) to go get in line to load our big stuff. We got to the truck at about 5:30...and after an hour of waiting we had moved maybe 30ft. IT WAS RIDICULOUS! It was a combination of them not knowing how to pack cars efficiently, people bringing too small of cars, plus employees were trying to leave at the same time! So stupid! I would think they knew how to do this by now! We finally got our truck loaded at 8:00pm and headed home. At least afternoon traffic had cleared by then. 

     It was such an awesome experience and I totally thank God for basically dropping that in my lap! Got so much good stuff that we needed and some fun stuff as well. This baby must be holy or something cause I've had the best luck while I've been pregnant..for the most part.

Everything I got to bring home(except the camcorder), the rest is delivered or picked up when I need it.

Osama-mania

I wasn't gunna post this..then I remembered, this is my blog and I can say whatever the heck I want!

First off, I'm a proud American and a Marine wife..so of course I'm all for our military. I don't care if you don't support war, if nothing else you should support the soldiers that put their life on the line for our country. 

We all know that this all started 10 years ago and that Bush was in office then and he began this man hunt. But sorry, Obama has been in office for 2 years now. He has done some in working toward this too. Sure he can't take all the credit, but you have to give him some credit. If nothing else he gave the go ahead for this mission, which if he hadn't..it wouldn't have happened. So sorry Obama haters, the guy did some good. 


I heard the argument about Obama "debating" on paying the very soldiers that are responsible for carrying out this mission just weeks ago. Which at first is upsetting, but Obama isn't the only one making decisions. If fact that probably wasn't up to him at all. I'm pretty sure it was Congress that had to straighten that out. 


But anyways...I'm not really republican or democratic. I think they both have stupid ideas and good ideas. But this is just what I've gathered from hearing different people's thoughts on the internet.

lookin good and supporting our freedom. hells yeah.

A few different things.

So time is going slow and fast. Getting to talk to Jon has given me something to look forward too but has also made me more stressed out. I wake up bummed out if I hadn't been woken up at some point in the night to Skype. Or I get anxious if I'm not available between the hours of 1-3:40pm because Jon has gotten online at those times and maybe just maybe he will again today.


Anyways. Just a few exciting things have gone on recently. Not exciting enough to have their own blogs but I will combine them into this one!
First of all, Earth Day just passed. No I'm not a green-y but it was the 1-year anniversary of the day I adopted henry!!

Henry in the firsts weeks after adoption.

My stinky butt now:)

Besides that, I got a fresh haircut and my roots touched up so they aren't so horrible. They were seriously grown out like 3". It was getting embarrassing. 
Feeling girly and wanting to beautify myself as much as I can afford. I decided to get my eyebrows threaded. I don't quite know how it works. but it works! I was a little worried cause the lady I found does it out of her house and I was going off google search not word of mouth so I was a little afraid of being kidnapped haha but I had a backup plan in place. 
Any ways, eye brow threading is a middle eastern and asian technique and this lady (judging by her name and accent) is from somewhere over there. So I trusted her skill rather than just going to a salon that does it because it's becoming more popular. 
I wish I would have taken before and after pics, but my eyebrows are bangin! I've never waxed and I don't pluck. But I heard that threading was less painful than waxing so I wanted to try it before I went the waxing route (which I now will never do!). Of course it wasn't comfortable..it was like plucking I guess but you don't go hair by hair. 


Eh, not much new has gone on. I just feel like it's been a while since I last blogged. I'm really excited for this next month though! I have a doc appt the 2nd. There's a "Return and Reunion Brief" for the spouses coming up on the 4th. Then the 5th I'm going to the ELLEN SHOW!! WOOHOO!! My baby shower is in less than a month! Which I am soo so excited for because I am so stressed because I do not feel prepared for this baby yet and hopefully it will help. and soon after Jon will be home so it'll kinda build up to that but also distract me from it so I'm SO impatient waiting for him to get home.


Lord pleeeeeease make this month go by so so fast!

Injustice!

I went to Barnes and Noble today to look at some "daddy-to-be" books to see if I could find one worth sending to Jon. I had about 4 and I wanted to sit down and look through and compare them. The store in Temecula recently got rid of their big plush chairs to sit in, and it's a (stupid) rule that you can only sit in the Cafe area if you've bought something from the cafe. I walked around the store twice looking for somewhere to sit. They don't allow you to sit on the ground. And I'm not gunna pop a squat as that's retarded and it would hurt my legs. I decided to just forget the stupid rule and sit in the cafe area. After being there for like 30min a lady came by and asked if she could get me something from the cafe, I said "No, thank you." She then told me the rule. (and like 6 people got up and left cause they were doing what I was doing.) She said "There's benches over there for you to sit on." and pointed to the magazine area.

This is the point where I wish I could have turned into the Hulk. I even said "Even though I'm 5 mo pregnant, thanks." She didn't reply. I wish I could have said "I'm 5 months pregnant. I'm not sitting on a fricken stone bench with no back support!" AHHHH! I wanted to throw her across the room. They totally used to have chairs. Then got rid of them. What about the seniors who go in there that can't stand for 30minutes flipping though books to see which they'd like to buy. I can't even stand for 10 minutes without my knees starting to hurt. PLUS their drinks at the cafe are higher priced than normal starbucks! I ain't gunna waste my money!

Well guess what Nards and Boble?! I'm buyin a KINDLE! and I'm gunna buy all my books off AMAZON or get ebooks so your dumb store will go out of business! I was totally a fan of Barnes and Noble before. But not anymore! 

The best I could do was leave my pile of books and just walk out. I still wish I could have thrown her across the room.

I hate book stores! stuck up nerds!

I just want to clear this up

A fellow marine wife sent me this from a Facebook page for Marine wives/girl friends/fiances. It's so dang funny! I'm sure a lot of people can figure it out. But if you're in our situation they're so funny and so agreeable.

These are questions and comments you DON'T ask a Marine Wife, and if you do..this is what we think..but don't say. haha

Q: Do you miss him?
A: No. I love being alone. The silence is warming. I enjoy fixing everything that breaks and cuddling with my pillow.

Q: My boyfriend is out of town on business, I know how you feel.
A: Yes I hear there is a huge mortar problem in Michigan.

Q: Aren't you afraid he'll die?
A: No, I had actually forgotten that that was a possibility, but thank you. Thank you for reminding me.

Q: I don't know how you manage, I couldn't do it.
A: Thank god it's not you then. Phew.

Q: At least he's not in Iraq/Afghanistan/Qatar.
A: Hes' not!? Shit, that changes everything.

Q: Do you think he'll come home for Christmas/Birthday/Anniversary?
A:I don't know yet, he just put in his leave request to the Taliban, we're still waiting for a response.

Q: What are you going to do to keep busy while he's gone?
A: I don't know. Since he's been gone the house cleans itself, the bills are magically paid, and the kids are angels.

Q: How many days until he gets out?
A: Depends. How many days until you join?

Q: You'll get used to it.
A: Yeah, the rigorous schedule is something I get used to. I'm actually a robot. I love watching the news, and the surprise missions are like tiny birthday presents from hell. Yes, I'm getting used to it like I get used to a tooth ache.

Q: What is he doing over there?
A: Knitting.

Q: He signed up for it. It's his fault is anything happens to him.
A: Yes, and it's your fault for any teeth you're about to lose.

Q: In my opinion -
A: *look at your phone* Sorry, my grandmother is calling from her grave, I have to get this.

Q: That's awful, I'm sorry!
A: Don't be, he looked hot doing it. He's good. Did your husband fix your sink?

Q: Why don't you just go see him?
A: They frown upon strangers 'round those parts, but by all means, go visit and let me know how it goes.

Q: Don't worry, he'll be home soon.
A: Really? I thought we had 8 months left. Thank goodness you reminded me.

Q: How do you go without sex?
A: Luckily we hold our relationship to a higher standard than simply our physical contact. Oh, and I have self control. Oh, and I only want one man. It's super easy that way.

Q: What if he doesn't come back?
A: Then I will cry until I'm sick to my stomach and I feel like my body is going to break apart. Then I will sleep alone in our bed and have dreams of him being with me only to wake up to him still being gone, knowing he will never come home and that I never got to say goodbye. Oh, too much information? My bad.

Q: Could he not finish college?
A: Nah those Taliban guys don't like to negotiate.

Q: How can you support someone that kills people?
A: It doesn't count if it's in a different zip code.

Q: Don't you worry he'll cheat over there?
A: Yes, I'm super worried that he's going to want to sleep with a woman who isn't allowed to speak or someone he works with and risk losing his job. That's what I'm uber worried about.

Q: How can you marry someone who is gone for so long?
A: At least we don't spend 12 months thinking up new ways to hate each other like....oh...sorry.

Q: You look tired.
A: Yeah unfortunately the middle east is in a different hemisphere and no one will move it.

Q: You know he's going to miss out on the kids' lives.
A: I was banking on them living quite a few years. I think they're good. And we have those crazy telegraph do-dads and boxes that you can talk to people through.

Q: You never know what goes on over there and his buddies aren't going to rat him out.
A: Yeah, because they're all eating and sleeping.

Q: The time will fly.
A: Time will fly, pigs will fly, hell will freeze over....I'm still waiting.

Q: He's going to be completely different when he comes back, ya know.
A: Yeah, so will I but I'm working on my hulk tear.

Q: You're lucky.
A: ....compared to.....?

Q: Fuck the troops.
A: *whisper* Seven days.

Q: Wouldn't you rather be with someone who's home?
A: Convenience < Quality

Q: Did you hear about the soldiers killed in -
A: Awesome, thank you. I was hoping someone would slip that into conversation today.

Q: Can't you text him?
A: Why didn't I think of that!?

Q: That sucks.
A: Well aware.

Q: Aren't you worried he's going to come back and go crazy and kill you in your sleep or something?
A: Oh that's nothing new.

Q: Are you pregnant!? What if you don't get another chance?
A: Do I look pregnant?

Q: Oh he's in the military...the easy way out.
A: Do you take automatic weaponry with you to brush your teeth?

Q: You deserve someone who can be there for you.
A: Well mine has special powers that yours doesn't.

Q: You should spend more time being proud than sad.
A: I tried that and it sucked, so now I'm taking the Ben & Jerry approach. Feel free to ride your butterfly out of here.

Q: The front lines are the most dangerous.
A: Dammit, I thought they aimed for the back.

Q: You're single, it's time to party!
A: I'm what?

Q: If there's anything I can do, let me know.
A: I hope you're a magician with unlimited minutes.

Q: How do you do it?
A: I haven't written down the process yet, but I'll get back to you

April Showers

It never fails to rain on/very near my birthday. I had a few birthday parties that were relocated into the house because of rain. I thought it was going to be very warm this year because last week was so warm and sunny. (I even had to turn the a/c on a lil 1 or 2 days..don't tell mom!) I was planning on just going to the beach for my birthday, but when the cold and rain moved in I had to find new plans. Makenzi and I had been planning on going on the train with my parents for a while cause their route goes up to Santa Barbara. My mom gave me the idea of doing that for my birthday, which I actually really liked.

The morning of my birthday I was hoping and praying to hear from Jon. I wake up a few times in the night to get a drink or go to the bathroom. I kept waking up and checking my phone to see if he had messaged me. I knew there was a good chance he wouldn't but I was just hoping he'd get a little time to say hi since it was my b-day. I woke up at 6:45..no message -_- typical. I started getting ready and getting tons of messages from FB from people wishing me a happy birthday. Honestly I ignored most of them cause they weren't from Jon. Til FINALLY at like 9 it was Jon! weeeee! I ran to the computer and we talked for the whole hour until we had to leave at 10. I was sad to say bye..but it was like 2am there and he had to work so I didn't feel that bad. It totally made my day though:) I could have sat at home by myself and it would have been a great day, just cause I got to hear from my husband. 

We got on the train around noon, and had a nice little ride up to Santa Barbara. We got there a little after 3 and had til 6:56 to wander. We rode the trolley up the State St. walked around a little. Looked at pricey baby stores. Tried to find some maternity clothes with no success (totally unfair, you have to order online everywhere for maternity..which is retarded) We stopped to rest our feet and eat at Chipotle. We drooled over everything in Anthropologie. Scoffed at the $118 sun dresses at Nordstom. Enjoyed 10minute massages in fabulous massage chairs for free and it felt like a real massage! Splurged on $1 hand lotion. Looked at some more expensive baby clothes. And I indulged in some Ben & Jerry's just before heading back to the train. 

sugary goodness!

 We only got to enjoy a little of the train ride home cause we left Santa Barbara at 7 and it got dark soon after, but we did get to see a pretty sunset:)

pickin us up

 Makenzi and I were so tired on the way home, my feet were killing me too. We sat in silence a lot cause we were pure pooped. We even slept a little just before LA cause we couldn't fight it anymore. That's one thing about mom and wayne's new route I don't like, they get back into LA so late! we didn't head home til like 10:30. 
When I got home I checked FB and Jon was on so I wound up staying up til basically 1 talking to him. I got to talk to him twice on my b-day! yay! I was so stinkin tired, but it was worth it:)
I'm so glad you're back on land hunny and that you will have regular internet access from here on out!
I love you!

just need to release a little.."steam"

I just feel like anytime anyone says anything to me my blood pressure raises. I think it's a combination of Jon being gone and being pregnant. But I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone for fear of tearing their heads off. I have been told more "no shit" things in the past few weeks it's starting to make me wonder how stupid people think I am. I have more common sense than most people I know and I just don't understand why people continue to think I have not thought about whats going on. Anything from being married, to Jon being deployed, to little nonsense I post on FB. 
I'm sorry to sound like a crazed angry person, but I have no one to talk to so this is my only option. 
All I do all day is sit around and think about my life, Jon, the Marine Corps, being pregnant, having a baby, and anything else you can possible think of. So chances are I'M AWARE of the situation.


I need to go kick something.

My Kinda Shower!!

I guess every year they put on a baby shower for the wives of 2/5 and since our husbands are deployed with them we got invited too. You could go if you're prego (obviously) or if you have a baby that is younger than 6 months. There were about 25 ladies there in total. The shower was put on by Operation Help our Heros and Rancho Santa Margarita (their city "adopted" 2/5). There were 2 volunteer groups that helped set up, watch kids, and I'm sure donated a lot of stuff. I seriously don't know how they got ALL the stuff they did!

part of the room, they had really funny balloons in the shape of pacifiers and bottles:P

We played a bunch of sick games, like the one where they melt candy bars in diapers and you have to guess what candy it is. Guess who won with 9 out of 10?...ME!! I totally know my candy hahah I had first pick of the smaller prizes:) I grabbed an Infantino baby carrier. Then we decorated onsies, they had a contest for most artistic, most moto, funniest, etc. I knew I wasn't going to win cause I couldn't think of anything so I just tried to make it cute enough to put on my baby. We did a relay game, a "price is right" game, and then did a raffle for some larger prizes. My number got called first! So I picked a pack n play cause I want one but I didn't really want to pay $100+ for one so if I could get one for FREE that would be awesome! Plus it's brand new! woohoo! Everyone had their number called, it was just who got called first that got a better pick of the prizes. They also had a surprise video with messages from all the daddies to their wives, of course Jon wasn't in it. It's just our luck. They went to the Essex first to film, and when they were going to go to the Germantown, that's when the earthquake hit. I was 1 of 3 that didn't get to see their husbands. 

cute lil cuppy cake some volunteers made, de-lish!

They had lunch catered with yummy paninis fruit, pasta salad, home made potato chips, and 3 kinds of cupcakes and some other chocolate treats that 2 volunteers made. They had a lady from a massage place come and gave us shoulder/neck massages as we ate. There were also lots of lady's there to hold babies and watch older kids so moms who already had kids could kick back and relax.

my bounty haha they had spots out in the hall to keep all our stuff cause everyone got so much!

They had tons of smaller prizes for the games we played and larger prizes we got from the raffle, PLUS the huge gift bag and gift basket we got just for going. They also gave us that little yellow bag that had goodies for me like cozy socks, awesome hand sanitizer(perfect for my diaper bag!), a gift card to target, and a few other goodies. They also had a table of second hand gear, clothes, books, and toys that we could just grab on our way out. I grabbed a cute cowgirl outfit. I was so content I didn't feel the need to grab more though I should have stuck around to see what was leftover. This is so helpful especially because a lot of us Marine Wives are tight on cash and most like me aren't working.

laid all my goodies out when I got home, I didn't even know what all I got haha 

I am SO thankful for the ladies that put this on! Jon and I are young and this is our first baby. So we're starting from scratch. All of the stuff is so helpful and it made me feel a little more prepared. Especially the bigger stuff like the pack n play and carrier. I love that I'll have the hand made blankets, hat, and socks to show my daughter when she gets older that some very nice women made them for me when her  daddy was a marine. This is definitely something I will always remember!

I miss you hunny, and even though you probably wouldn't have gone with me I'm sad you weren't here to see me drool over all this stuff! Can't wait for you to get home so you can see it all yourself.

Love you<3

Almost halfway!

Well time is kinda blending together which is making time go fast..ish. It would be nice to hear from you, but I know what you're on ship and it's a gay situation. I heard that they're not providing access to social networking sights to try to keep the internet more avaliable for the people of Japan..which is nice, but also stupid cause WHAT ABOUT US?! hello!!! Us families back home WHO ARE SUPPLYING OUR HUSBANDS TO HELP would like to know what the HELL is going on too! All I hear is "The MEU is being sent to Japan to be avaliable if called upon." Yeah..too bad if you are called upon you'll probably just be cleaning up trash or standing around being "present."

ANYWAYS..most days I get up around 6:30 or 7. Take the dogs to the park from 8 to around 9, sometimes I stay longer if there's a good group of dogs:P They do a really good job, sometimes there's a little tension between the dogs but once roles are established and they get to run a little everyone calms down. Brom just loves to run, mark his territory, and hump hahaha and Henry likes to annoy other dogs til they get mad at him, he likes to sniff and meet all the different types and sizes of dogs. He's especially interested in small dogs cause he's used to bigger ones. I'm hoping this keeps Brom from feeling the need to run away:/

Hangin at the park, look at all the room to run!

I spend most of my days at the house. I like to be here to keep an eye on the dogs. If I ever get cabin fever i'll go to target and walk around or just go get some lunch. I haven't had a whole lot to do but this next week and a half I have 2 baby showers, 2 doctor appts, and a meeting at the Temecula Creek Inn to view it as a possible wedding venue. Plus mom and wayne have this week off so I can tag along with things they're doing. Today I took the dogs to the park and got back around 11, I didn't have anything to do and mom and wayne were doing yard work so I knew they weren't heading anywhere for a while. So I took the most delicious nap! It's actually one of the first naps I've taken during my pregnancy. I think the only other time I've napped is when I was sick and maybe right after you left cause I had nothing else to do.

   Yesterday I babysat for Jen in the afternoon. Zoe is about 7 now..or however old you are when you're in 2nd grade. Caleb is 5/6 cause he's in kindergarten. I first met Zoe when she was in the nursery at church and I was 14. She must have been just about 2 which means Caleb was a little little baby when I met him. I learned most of my baby watchin skills with these kids and I love watching them grow and learn. Zoe is sprouting into a tall dancing machine! I'm so happy she loves dancing (Jen and I are living through her haha) and Caleb is the cutest little dude. He's a lover but is all boy. Zoning out to Spongebob  and eating more than you think he could. I remember when Zoe was just a lil bean and Caleb was a giggly babe who has the largest collection of binkys. I was really glad Jen asked me to watch them cause it had been a while and I wanted to catch up with them and see how they've changed in the past months.

Zoe getting ready to mix some dough for the easy bake oven!

Oh, and today I went with mom and wayne to Temecula to run some errands. We went by Homegoods and I got some baskets that I thought I could use for the wedding. Yay for slow and steady progress! I now have some jars and baskets! hahaha

I love you hunny and I REALLLLLLY hope I hear from you before my fricken birthday! It would be our luck that my birthday passes and I still don't get to talk to you! sdfhsjghskgjhakgh

love you, even though now I'm pissed.

<3

I got some splain' to do!

So today for some reason I was looking online at maternity swim suits. I found one really cute patriotic/nautical tankini set. But it was like $50 something and I found an equally cute one at the "Motherhood" site that was like $34..so I thought that would be a better choice. I wanted to see if they had it at the store so I wouldn't have to pay for shipping. I also found a super cute dress that I wanted to get to wear for my baby shower. So I went down to the store at the mall, I was excited cause I hadn't been to a real maternity store yet and I wanted to see what they had. Since I was down to 1 bra that fit me I figured I'd buy a bra or 2 and the swimsuit I had my eye on. Well I'll make this short. I didn't get the dress..yet! I got the bathing suit, 4 bras, and the cutest onsie! I can explain hunny! Don't get mad haha. The bras were buy 3 get 1 free. I got 2 nursing bras, 1 pretty bra, and a "sleep" bra(I'll explain it when you get home). So I'm set in the bra dept. The swim suit was a planned purchase, lets just hope I don't get too big for it. And the onsie I bought was pink, polka dot, and had minnie mouse on it. HOW COULD I SAY NO!?

it's green and pink paisley with little metallic spots and gold rings on the hips of the bottom.

I mean C'MON!!

Don't be too mad..you should kinda get used to it anyways. There are 2 girls in the house now!!

Love you Hunny, you can't stay mad forever! bwahahah!

<3

Keepin Entertained

 So while I've been sitting sick at home I've been trying to find things to do to keep busy. I watch a lot of random tv, scrapbooked a little, research honeymoon stuff, and I go out back to play with the dogs once in a while. I went to Barnes and Noble to look at Arizona travel books, and when I came home I went out back to say hi to the dogs and play some fetch with Henry. I called out to the dogs but only Jordie came...that's when I think "Crap, Brom got out and Henry followed him". I start to walk around to look for an escape route..and instead I find this...

Brom has officially turned Henry into a digger,

Brom being very proud of his work.

I figured I'd let them dig cause 1.) They weren't digging OUT of the yard..or are they..? and 2.) It was in the middle of nowhere in the yard so it's not like they were ruining a garden or the lawn..just weeds. So I cheered them on and took pictures and videos. Dumb Dogs. Later I was playing fetch with Henry and he knocked his ball into one of the smaller holes. He dug after it for a little but then forgot about it, so I figure either he'll get it later or the gopher has some cool new material for a nest. I'll have to see if they continue it today and maybe take some measurements.

  

Baby Song:)

She’s got a baby inside

And holds her belly tight

All through the night

Just so she knows

She’s sleeping so

Safely to keep

Her growing

And oh when she'll open her eyes

There'll be no surprise

That she'll grow to be

So beautifully

Just like her mother

That’s carrying

Oh Capri

She’s beauty

Baby inside she’s loving

Oh Capri

She’s beauty

There is and angel growin’ peacefully

Oh Capri

Sweet baby

And things will be hard at times

But I've learned to try

Just listening

Patiently, oh Capri

Sweet baby

Oh Capri

She’s beauty

Baby inside she’s loving

Oh Capri

Your beauty

Just like your mother

That’s carrying...Oh Capri 

Makes me want to name my baby Capri:) I think it's my official pregnancy song haha.

Home Alone 1

   I had a few days back at work and then the weekend came:) Mary went to Palm Springs for the weekend before heading to Yuma for the week to work. So I was home alone and fully able to rot in my own filth. well..i did randomly scrub the baseboards in the kitchen and mop. I almost moved onto the bathrooms, but Sex and the City probably came on or something.
   Since my last scrapbook weekend got interrupted by vomit I wanted to set this weekend aside as well for scrappin. I spent all day sat and sunday scrapbooking. I only left the house to get food and scrapbooking gear. I am now all caught up!! Except for my V-day ultrasound(cause I don't have prints of the pics yet) and I have to do my whoooooole Germany trip. ugh! not looking forward to that. 

A while ago I was at Babies R Us and saw a woman with a stroller..well it was just the frame with a graco carseat. I want to get a carseat and carseat carrier as well. But I really liked the one she had, it looked like it rolled more smoothly and could maybe be used as a jogger. So I stalked her til I saw the name. Then I found it online...$600!! what crazy B-word pays that much?! (well I would if I could) but why ya gotta crush me like that? 

frankly i don't care what car seat is in this, i just want it. one downfall though..no cup holders. mama's gotta put her iced tea somewhere.

Anyways, I guess I'll stick to my classic Graco stuff. oh! A lady I work with named Mioko gave me a $25 gift card to target today for the baby cause it was my last day. so sweet! I'm gunna miss those ladys, I seriously worked with the best Kids Klub staff..besides Maria haha she just didn't get the give and take of the job. (i'm counting on the fact that i highly doubt she'll read this) I don't have anything big to blog really. I just figured I should cause I was talking to myself a lot. Sometimes I will really talk to myself and make myself laugh, like I'm 2 people. seriously. I have problems. 

Oh AND I think I'm getting a cold. hopefully this will be the last one for a while since I just had my last day at work. Ladies (and gents) I need you to get out your calendar and look at my ridiculous record..I was sick with a bad cold the 2 weeks after Jon left on Jan. 4th, then I got sick Feb. 7th for 7-9days with a cough, Feb. 20th I got the stomach flu for 3 days, and now Feb. 28th I now am getting a cold. WHY ME?! At least I don't have to work so I can sleep as much as I want to. And thank Jesus it's just a cold and nothing crazy. I can put up with a stuff nose and sore throat a lot easier than vomit and a fever. 

I still can't get over your letter hunny, I think I may go read it again:) you're the best letter writer! 

<3

Unwanted Hospital Visit..

   Sunday was day #1 of sickness. I pretty much slept alllll day just to get away from the nausea. Monday started well but went downhill around 3pm..that's when I started to think about heading to the hospital. I woke up tuesday, I was planning on going to the hospital, but I felt fine when I woke. I ate breakfast and took a shower a while after and I felt really lightheaded  and wound up losing my breakfast. So I gave up fighting and I decided to go to the hospital. 

   Mom had the day off so she and Wayne came down to take me so I wouldn't be alone. When I got there I had to give a urine sample so they could tell if I possibly had a UTI cause those are a big NO NO when you're prego. And they gave me some fabulous anti-nausea medicine(which I got a prescription for and I plan on using those as ammunition when pregnancy gets the best of my stomach) We waited a pretty long time, I think mostly just to get my urine sample back to see if I had a UTI or was dehydrated.  They finally decided to give me an IV of fluids, I was glad though cause I knew that would definitely make me feel better.  I had mom come in and sit with me after they put in the IV (hunny you owe me a nice dinner for that IV!) The IV took 30 minutes to go in. It was so weird, my arm was cold from the fluids going in..ICK! haha they gave me an orange popsicle too to make sure I wouldn't throw up easily.

don't I look sexy?

 The biggest thing that made me not stressed about the IV (besides my impending doom in 5ish months) was that the girl behind the curtain to my right got a fricken SPINAL TAP and I had to listen! Basically she got an epidural but instead of putting stuff in they took stuff out. Poor girl was crying and her hubby was nervously tapping his boots. I said a lil prayer for her. It sounded bad, but I heard her say it wasn't as painful as it was just plain scary. So that made me not as scared about getting an epidural.

Score!

After we left, I was supposed to pick up my prescription but that was gunna take an extra hour+ and I hadn't eaten in basically 48hrs. So I decided to go back when they opened the next morning to get it(and I wound up only waiting 20min!) We went to Hometown Buffet..you shouldn't "buffet" after something like that, and I didn't haha I'm not dumb hello! I only had 1 plate of food and it was delicious and I savored every flavorful bite! PLUS I didn't throw it up! HOORAY! I went to bed around 10 and prayed for a full night of sleep and baby jesus blessed me! I only woke up once to pee..typical. Oh sweet slumber! Thank God for modern medicine and thank God for free health insurance!! woohoo!

I love you hunny! You better be out havin fun petting baby tigers and playing in the Thai jungle!! (while I'm here puking and getting IVs..jerk!)<3 you!