Not even sure where to begin!

Not sure where to start. I definitely abandoned my blog. But I don't think anyone really noticed. But I'll pick up, dust off, and try to get the gears greased again. 

Well since over a year ago I've;

• Graduated from PLATT College with an associates in Medical Administration
• Divorce was finalized May 2013
• Paisley is 2!
• I sadly sold my Journey whom I loved with my whole heart and purchased a 2007 Prius. 
• I started "real college" at Riverside City College (which I love)
• I lost 20 pounds
• I ran my first ever running event The Camp Pendleton Mud Run, a 10k!
• and a bunch of other less important things but those are the biggies I thought of.

I feel good, I feel progressive. But things are still off. 

Jon is living in Las Vegas with his girlfriend (they are another rant/post altogether) which is good and bad. He lived in WA for 4 months and had minimal contact with us during that time.. But now that he's in Vegas he's tried to be all bubbly and friendly. Paisley went a weekend in November to visit. She's currently there this whole week, the longest we've ever been apart. Jon's parents are in town so I'm more comfortable with P being there. I'm happy Jon is around again (for P), I'm happy I get time to be a single young woman every couple of weeks. But I just CANNOT trust him. Everything he tells me I take with a grain of salt because I have learned to not believe a word he tells me and it will likely be close to a decade before that changes.

What's worse is the more time goes by and he's still with his tall, skinny, blonde, educated girlfriend; that means more time that I'm squishy, lumpy, greasy, used, washed up, stretched out, and single. I've tried everything from a prospective lawyer, east coast boy, ranch hand, firefighter, college graduate, childhood friend. and nothing. no leads. not even a short and sweet relationship. Don't get me wrong, I don't even necessarily want a relationship. I just want someone to talk to, who wants to hear about me and my day and I want to hear about theirs. I want someone I'm attracted to and who is attracted to me. Someone who accepts ALL aspects of my life and past and doesn't make me feel uncomfortable. (I'm sick of trying to keep paisley in the shadows so not to scare off a guy) I do not want to feel attached or locked down to anything, but I want to feel safe and wanted. 

I've changed so much in the past year, I've become much more confident and positive. But there's just something about me that is undesirable. I'm not looking for advice. I don't want to hear "don't look for a man, let him find you" or "find a godly man who reads his bible and prays." I know I know I KNOW. I'm not blind, deaf, and dumb. I'm just pissed that this is even on my mind and that the men in this area are so absolutely pathetic that I can't even scrounge up one man to keep me company when I have free time. I don't think that's too much to ask. 

This is it

    So Monday I had a dental appointment on base, it was at 10am and I would be done around 11:30. I called Jon and asked if he wanted to meet to get lunch or talk because we never see each other. Surprisingly he did not ignore my call and actually agreed. He has lunch from 11-1 and usually goes to the gym, but I thought he would see the importance of seeing me.

    After my appointment, I called him..texted him..and was ignored. About an hour later he calls me and says he "forgot" and went to the gym. I'm a real priority I guess.

    Two days later, I'm in Oceanside again for an appointment with my Psychiatrist and Therapist at 2pm. I told him the night before I was going to come down early so we could go out to lunch together and I'd have Paisley this time so he could see her. Since he'd only seen her for 45min in the past two weeks. Apparently he "forgot" then too and went to the gym. I saw him for about 8 minutes.

    I went to my appointments, tried to talk my way into stronger meds with no luck. Although I did get a prescription for Ambien..success there I guess. I didn't have much to talk with my therapist about other than my confusion about what Jon really wants and me not knowing weather to hold on or give up. I went back to base after because I wanted to get a final answer from Jon. I asked him what he wants, does he want me, someone else, or to be single and have no responsibility. All he had to say was, "Why do you care?" Why do I care? oh idk..because we have a child who's future depends on this, he's moving to WY in three months and idk if I'm going with him or not. If I'm not then I need to figure out how I can make money and/or go to school all while taking care of an <1 year old as a single woman.

    I told Jon, "If you refuse to seek counseling, I have no choice but to go to base legal and get divorce papers." THIS is when he decides to tell me He already went on Tuesday and he is currently at the courthouse submitting marriage dissolution papers. He tells me this through a text. Not Monday when I was there, before he went. Not earlier that day when I saw him and I was about to see my therapist (which would have worked out nicely because I could have talked to her about it). He tells me he's doing it for me, because he can't give me what I need. I just love how he always turns it around to get the blame off him. He just can't admit that he can't handle the hard work and responsibility of having a family. That he's not mature enough to put other people before himself. No, he says it's for me.

I really want nothing more than to take a metal baseball bat to his head. I seriously keep day dreaming of beating the shit out of him. I could really use some Ambien right now.

Part Two

Not sure how much I will be able to write, let alone remember. This has been going on for what feels like years so a lot of it blends together.

After we can home from WA in january, I debated with leaving Jon. I began packing boxes of Paisley's stuff. Putting it in the hall so he would see them as he walked past. Hoping he'd get the picture, I don't think he realized what I was doing. I didn't want to get a divorce, I wanted to work on it. I knew people had been through worse and came through it ok. But he wasn't remorseful, thought it was justified, and I was sure he hadn't ended things. I asked him to call her in front of me and tell her he couldn't see her anymore and why, but he refused. I was extremely paranoid, even followed him a few times. What really hurt was when he'd go out to a sports bar with his friends for happy hour..how would I know if she wasn't there? Or if he'd leave right after I dropped him off and go hook up with her? Everything he said was a lie to me, everything he did was just for show.

Jon and I fought back and forth all the time, he would say that I wasn't putting in enough "effort", and complain that I didn't go to the gym enough. He would call me lazy, and a few times he said I was "disgusting." I'll never forget that. Even if we come out of this intact, the fact that my husband was disgusted by me and this was what contributed to him having an affair..I'll never forget the stabbing pain those words gave me.

We continued going to counseling, but it didn't go anywhere because Jon still held back. Right after we told our Dr about Jon's affair he didn't show for a couple appointments. I began seeing a Psychologist by myself and a Psychiatrist. I began taking Zoloft, but Jon was upset when it wasn't a magical pill that made me happy all the time. (I wonder why?) I can't tell you how many times I would catch him in a lie and find out he was still seeing her. I found texts on his phone under the name "Josh", so that if I did get on his phone I wouldn't think it was her.

In february Jon went overnight to LA to do security for the Academy Awards as a fund raiser for the MC Ball. I of course was worried about him being out there with just single marines, but I tried to trust. The next few days I realized I knew the information to his Navy Fed bank account. I went on it and found purchases at bars, a fancy restaurant in La Jolla, and a few places in San Clemente..all which I hadn't gone to. I found hundreds of dollars spent on truck parts. Jon told me we never went out because  we needed to save money, but he could drop $200 here and $400 there on truck parts. What bothered me the most was the $140 spent in LA. I looked up the address and found out it was a strip club.

Jon had a lot of excuses for all the money spent. Told me the $140 was a friends tab, but admitted he gave $40 for a lap dance from a little blonde with short hair. why? what would he get from that? how would that help our situation? He accused me of not putting in 100% while he was going to STRIP CLUBS?! His excuse was that he hadn't planned on going, but all his buddies wanted to go. Still NO excuse for paying some girl $40 for a lap dance. I told Jon I wanted joint accounts so I could keep an eye on his spending, but he said I didn't "earn" that because I myself had a spending problem. My spending issue spawned from my depression and I spent money on things for Paisley or our home. not strippers and going to restaurants with other men.

I soon was told by Jon that I'd have to move out. Even though I didn't want to, I had no choice. He wanted to move to "save money", but I saw it as he wanted to get rid of me so he could spend his evenings and nights with her, without the responsibility of coming home to his family. I reluctantly packed up my life yet again for the man I loved, but who also hurt me more than I had ever been hurt. Put my belongings in storage and moved back to my moms for a second time since we had been married. Our last week on base was rough, I was completely done. I still loved Jon but I could no longer put up with his lies and excuses. I made sure he knew just how things would me. How he would never see Paisley, how once he moved to Wyoming she would no longer know who he was. How he would miss holidays, her first day of school, plays, sleepovers, parties. How she wouldn't hunt because thats not part of my CA life. How his family would never see her.

I actually had been in contact with this other woman a few times through the months. At first I hated her, I would threaten her. Tell her to stay away. But over time I realized she could be helpful. She had nothing to lose, and sadly I trusted her word over Jon's. She told me he had stayed with her often after I moved home. That he told her he was single when they first met and continued that lie for a long time. She told me they would sleep in her bed together. She told me they didn't have intercourse. But what else they did, I don't know. She said he met her for lunch a few times..which is more that I could say. The only time I saw Jon at lunchtime was when I was hand delivering him food.
She told me he was playing both of us. He would tell her he wanted to leave me and be with her, then change his mind back. We both agreed he has a lying problem and was extremely impatient when it came to waiting to see how things would change. If he doesn't see things changing for the better within days, he wants out. I would ask Jon about the things she would tell me, but he'd say she was lying, just to get in my head because she was jealous that I was married to him.

At this point I'm pretty numb. New information doesn't effect me too much. I feel like I've heard it all. I'm holding on by a thread. Jon tells me he doesn't want to be with me if this is going to be my attitude, but he just doesn't understand that I'm the way I am because of him. He still sees what he's done as justified. Still blames me. Still tells me I'm not putting in the effort. I asked him to see a male counselor that specializes in affairs, divorce, depression, etc but he told me he doesn't want to. Jon doesn't know what it means to be a man, to choose his family FIRST, to love his wife unconditionally. He needs to let things go as much as I do. But he just can't take the fact that this was all caused by his actions. He wants an easy out. He wants a quick fix. I tell him it will take years to fully come through this, he says he wants to be with me. But actions speak louder than words.

My side of the story

    I'm just going to start from the beginning. This is for me to vent, and for everyone to know whats really going on. Jon does not speak to anyone about this. He says it's for privacy, but as time goes on I realize it's because he doesn't want to be held accountable for his actions. He knows that if he asked men or even women their opinion, they would say he's in the wrong, but he's not one to accept responsibility for his actions and words.

    In october 2011, two months after Paisley was born. Jon went on ship to San Francisco for "Fleet Week." I was feeling cooped up and decided I would drive with P to WA to visit his side of the family while he was gone. Honestly I was worried about him being faithful while there (it's always a big party when the marines go anywhere) and I didn't want to be home alone with my thoughts.
    We spoke some while he was there, normal things like how excited I was to move to WA in the future and asking if he was seeing the sights in San Fran since he'd never been. He said he was..
 
We had been having issues communicating and getting along. I was deep in my depression and felt lost about how our life would work out. I felt so stressed about having a baby and I felt like the responsibility was all on me and all Jon cared about was when I'd "get my body back." The few times I got him to watch her for me was so I could go to the gym.
    I began to know something was going on when Jon put a password on his cellphone, always had it on silent, and it never left his side. Like he was guarding it. I didn't want to ask to see his phone, I didn't want him to feel like I was policing him. So I tried to be patient. We began seeing a Marriage counselor in early nov, but once Jon realized our issues wouldn't be quickly fixed he lost interest and it didn't really go anywhere.

    We went to WA just before New Years. While there, my anxiety about him keeping secrets mounted and I was able to figure out the code to his phone after watching him unlock it many many times. One day while Jon was taking me hunting I finally got my chance to see his phone. We stopped before going duck hunting so Jon could take his dog Jake into a pond to "jump shoot" it. I quickly entered the password and scrolled through his messages. I came across a few from a "Laci"..my heart hit the floor and my stomach was in my throat. I could hardly breath and hardly swallow. I can't remember exactly what they were, but something along the lines of "Val's getting her hair done, I'll have her call you when she's done." and there were some from another number..one said, "Have fun hunting with Gwen" and another said, "Fuck you and Gwen". I couldn't make sense of exactly what was going on, but I knew it wasn't good. I didn't want to bring it up right then so I had to endure 4 hours of solitude with a guy I wanted to beat the shit out of.

That night Jon fell asleep on the couch because he was really tired. I took a picture of him because he looked really cute, then I realized his phone was beside him. I tiptoed over and picked it up. Entered the password and up came more texts. I can't remember them, but they were worse. And there was a picture of a girl..wearing his shirt..My first thought was, "Girls wear guys shirts when they've had sex." I knew it was not just a friend. That's the kind of picture that you send intimately.
    I woke jon up, stuck the image in his face, and asked for fucking answers. All he could do was look at me and shrug his shoulders. Like a child who was caught doing something they shouldn't have. I got hardly any answers out of him that night. The only thing I remember is the way he was protecting his phone, like he was protecting her. Like he was choosing her over me.
    The worst part was having to visit people or even MEET people in WA and pretend like things were fine when really I would cry any chance I got and felt constantly on the brink of vomiting.
    I felt like I should stay with it, give him a chance to redeem himself. After all, he was the one who said divorce wasn't an option. I wanted to fix our marriage. Our first night home from WA Jon went out. He didn't sleep at home the first two or three nights we were home. Knowing what I know now, he was probably with her.

I am empty

I feel a pain in my heart, a hole. I've gone so long caring for my own needs. Doing things for my own happiness because there was no one there to make me happy. I feel alone, unwanted, worthless, replaceable, unattractive. I see couples, loving, caring, looking after one another an I wonder who's looking out for me? I've gone to hell and back and am still working to get myself back on my feet. But rather than have someone to hug me an tell me they are proud to be my partner, but instead I get judgmental eyes and words telling me I'm still not good enough. My heart has been broken, my trust destroyed. I forgave and had open arms, just to have my heart crushed again..and again..and again. I threatened the worst things I could think of. Take away my love, my faithfulness, your family. Nothing changed. I feel deflated and void of emotion. I don't want to give up, but I literally have no ther choice. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

Let's try this again.

It's been nearly a YEAR since my last post! A whole stinkin year! (nearly) Time has flown by. Jon returned from his deployment June 8th and Little Miss Paisley was born August 12th. I've battled postpartum depression and our marriage going to the edge and slowly stepping back. We have so much to learn and grow but hopefully we can find a way to come together as a team and make some amazing progress. 

Jon and missy at "Bring your child to work" day! sitting on the turret of a Trac

When Paisley was an itty bitty newborn it was so hard for me to cope with the stress and lack of sleep. It was really hard for me to enjoy the fact that I am blessed to get to stay at home with my little girl. But as she's gotten older and I have learned to adjust I am appreciating it more and more each day. I just love my special moments with this little one!

Hopefully I can continue to be present on my blog! Wish me luck:)

Ellen's Mother's Day Special

Sometime last month I saw a post on the 2 Battalion, 5th Marines Facebook page about the Ellen Show wanting pregnant Marine wives for her Mother's Day Show. I INSTANTLY jumped on it because I love Ellen and because I'm not dumb, I know she's gunna give away stuff! So I called and e-mailed. They got back to me and after a few calls and e-mails it seemed like I was good to go and when a rep from the Ellen show called me I knew I was in! 

The only picture I took of the day haha

      My friend Makenzi also got a ticket to go so we decided to carpool and also brought along another expectant mom who asked to carpool with us. We had to be there at 1pm for check-in. But we were so anxious we rushed and got there at 11..better safe than sorry. After we checked in we went to Porto's Bakery, which according to our new carpool buddy is "The most famous mexican bakery in all of LA." haha We got back to the waiting area at 12:30, got in line to get our ticket at 1..and then got to sit til around 2:30 when they began taking us across the street to the actual WB Lot. They took us in a back door and finally into the air conditioned Ellen Studios. We lined up and they lead us into the Ellen set and gave us our seat. We got sat right in the middle probably the 5th row down and the 7th row up. They gave us the DL on cheering and what not to do. And not to long after the show started!

first round of giveaways!

     The set is so small compared to how it looks on TV. They do a very good job with the angle of the camera to get more bang for their buck. Ellen came out and almost right off the bat gave us a crib, bedding, a 6mo supply of baby food, $300 to Old Navy, a super fancy high chair that doubles as a swing and a Whirlpool Washer & Dryer!!! SO CRAZY!! I can't remember the exact order of the show. But Kate Hudson was her celebrity guest because she is also pregnant. Makenzi and I both noted that her legs were crazy skinny! Oh and before this Ellen came and danced in the audience as she always does. I was about 4 people to the left of where she stopped on the first flight of steps. I tried to look for myself but it's pretty hard to see though all the people dancing.

    Then Ellen gave us a box set of like 13 "Rockaby Baby" CD's. Which is music like Aerosmith, Coldplay, U2, Rolling Stones, and Journey..only in Lullaby form haha again, idk the order but I think after that she gave us $250 to Blume which is baby clothes, a silver necklace with our baby's first initial, some cute baby shoes, a set of 411 parenting books, a "Go Gaga" diaper bag, a Kokopax baby carrier, a "Little Giraffe" blankie, and a super nice Pack n Play. 
    We had thought that the whole audience was military wives, but it turns out there was just a bunch of us there. The guys had secretly filmed a video message for us, but only 2 of them got played:( I was sad Jon didn't get to be on TV. They could have at least played them during the credits or during the commercials for just the audience to see. I did get it on a dvd and I watched it while I was skyping with Jon. He was so stinkin cute!
     At the very end of the show Ellen gave us a Britax car seat and a stroller:) Sooo awesome and necessary! haha and I can get the Cow print car seat I wanted (but could not afford!) I wish it would have been a jogging stroller, but hey it's free. I can't complain.

they made it look like we had a wide selection..but really we got what we got..whatever haha

     After the show we picked up the small stuff and headed back to the truck (thankfully we brought a truck) to go get in line to load our big stuff. We got to the truck at about 5:30...and after an hour of waiting we had moved maybe 30ft. IT WAS RIDICULOUS! It was a combination of them not knowing how to pack cars efficiently, people bringing too small of cars, plus employees were trying to leave at the same time! So stupid! I would think they knew how to do this by now! We finally got our truck loaded at 8:00pm and headed home. At least afternoon traffic had cleared by then. 

     It was such an awesome experience and I totally thank God for basically dropping that in my lap! Got so much good stuff that we needed and some fun stuff as well. This baby must be holy or something cause I've had the best luck while I've been pregnant..for the most part.

Everything I got to bring home(except the camcorder), the rest is delivered or picked up when I need it.